Howard Stern Private Parts: The Album

As a radio personality I find Howard Stern to be nothing more than a one dimensional human being comprised entirely of dick and fart jokes. I remember listening to him on one of the Detroit stations when the movie Private Parts came out, and after a week I was bored shitless. The man has little to no substance, and I have no clue how he's lasted so long.

That being said I did enjoy Private Parts, and still laugh whenever I watch it, but mainly because of all the other characters. Many of which appear on this album in sound bytes. In fact sound bytes make up half this album, and the other half is primarily filled with some great classic rock, as well as some newer tracks. At least they were new in 1997 when this album was released.

The album opens with Pig Virus, which is basically someone ripping on Howard Stern. Then it goes directly into The Great American Nightmare, which is Rob Zombie with Howard Stern. This isn't one of Rob's best songs, but it's pretty good, and Stern's contribution is pretty limited.

The format for almost the entire album is sound byte followed by song, and the only exception is at the end of the album. Mama Look -- A Boo Boo is the next movie clip up, which is okay. But it's Howard making a cheap dick joke.

I Make My Own Rules is performed by --------- with Flea, Dave Navarro and Chad Smith, and yes that blank name is actually supposed to be there. I've never cared enough about this song enough to check online who the missing name is, but basically the band is Red Hot Chili Peppers (the 1997 version) with someone rapping over top. Musically it's pretty much your standard sounding RHCP song, so if you are into them you might enjoy this song. Personally I just skip it.

Although The Match Game is just another set of cheap dirty jokes, I really like it. In the movie it really helped make a point about how silly American censorship is when it comes to certain words, and how you can get around them in cheesy ways. It really serves to point out how stupid American censors really are.

After that is Hard Charger by Porno For Pyros. I've never cared for this band, but I find over the years I've developed a liking for this track. It's not a song that I would go out of my way to listen to, but it's interesting and unique enough that I don't feel a need to skip it, like I did when I first picked up this album. I really don't give two shits about the lyrics, and I find the vocalist annoying, but the music is pretty damn cool, especially the bass line. This is also the longest song on the album at 6:46, and I never notice it when I listen.

Moti is one of my favourite sound bytes on the album. It's like the perfect tell off. "Good, fuck you, you drunk. Fuck you one thousand percent. Fuck you until you until your asshole is a perfect donkey ass hole." These aren't the only words on the track, but they should be.

When it comes to Marilyn Manson I'm hit and miss. The Suck For Your Solution is one of those misses. "Your mouth is like a suicide / Talkin like you never died / Automatic charisma / For your chemical mind / I'll suffer for you / I'll suffer for you / You're kissing me like benzocaine with your sleeping pill eyes / Melting me down and suck suck sucking my brain / I'm gonna hate you tomorrow / Because you make me hate you today / I'm gonna hate you tomorrow / Because you make me hate you today / I can be the one that you believe in / I can be the liar in your bed / I'll be the suck for your solution / Tell me that your sex isn't dead / Dead / Your sex is dead / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you since the day I was made / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you since the day I was made / I am the center of your hate / I'm gonna be you tomorrow / Because you make me hate you today / I can be the one that you believe in / I can be the liar in your bed / I'll be the suck for your solution / Tell me that your sex isn't dead / Dead / your sex is dead / All so tired / Desexed and jaded / Hopeless and souless and bored of the thrill / We make our / death/sex/symbol / When we can't fuck then we kill / Dead / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you since the day I was made / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you / I've suffered for you since the day I was made". As you can read it's your standard Manson diatribe.

Lance Eluction is pretty much a bad gay joke, and I mean that literally. It's a bit annoying that it flows directly into Pictures Of Matchstick Men, which I really like and already covered in Ozzy Osbourne's Prince Of Darkness boxset. However, I'll reprint what I wrote in there. " I have never heard the original version of Pictures Of Matchstick Men so I have no point of comparison. However, Ozzy backed by Type O Negative is totally fucking awesome. This song was recorded for Howard Stern's Private Parts soundtrack. I have that album, and this song is one of the reasons I picked it up. I don't think this is one of Ozzy's greatest songs, but it's cool enough that I wish that he and Type O had recorded an album together before Peter Steele's passing."

The Contest is a sound clip from the end of the movie when one of the "former" producers talks about a contest Stern wanted to hold for bowel movements. It's not really that funny out of the movie, so you can skip it. You can also skip the next music track whilel you are at it.

I can't stand Green Day, they are the most over rated craptastic Punk band, and this cover of Tired Of Waiting For You helps sume up why I think they are such crap. They took a good classic and buggered it up into a sub par Punk track.

WRNW is a cheesy clip that really serves no purpose on here except to make Howard look like an ass as he introduces the next song, which is Ramones' Pinhead. This is one of my favourite tracks from what I consider the best American Punk band. "Gabba gabba we accept you, we accept you one of us! / Gabba gabba we accept you, we accept you one of us! / I don't wanna be a pinhead no more. I just met a nurse that I could go for. / I don't wanna be a pinhead no more. I just met a nurse that I could go for. / I don't wanna be a pinhead no more. I just met a nurse that I could go for. / I don't wanna be a pinhead no more. I just met a nurse that I could go for. / D-U-M-B / Everyone's accusing me! / D-U-M-B / Everyone's accusing me! / I don't wanna be a pinhead no more. I just met a nurse that I could go for. / I don't wanna be a pinhead no more. I just met a nurse that I could go for. / Gabba gabba hey!" It's not long, complicated or anything out of the ordinary, but it's awesome straight forward Rock.

Oh Howard comes from one of my favourite scenes in the movie. Nothing like watching a chick get off from straddling a sub woofer while Howard makes a humming like noise over the radio.

The Ben Stern Megamix is cheap and cheesy, but somehow still mesmerizing. However, unless you are in the right mood, you can skip this one and not feel like you are missing much.

The Howard Stern Experience is only worth listening to to hear him screw up and accidently kill the record with a giant scratch. The song he kills and then restarts is Smoke On The Water. This is also the next song on the album, and I've covered it in enough reviews at this point that I don't wish to do it again. Plus you should already know the song well enough at this point.

WCCC is totally pointless excpet to introduce Cheap Trick. Which leads in to the live version of I Want You To Want Me. I'll admit that I like this Pop Bubble Gum Rock track, but not enough to listen to it on my own. I like it just enough to not feel a need to skip the song when I hear it.

The Antichrist is pretty much Howard being told off for going too far with one of his producers wives, while on the air. It's no biggy.

The next song up is Ted Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever, a personal favourite of mine, which I've covered before to a small extent. This is a top five Deadly Teddly song, that belongs on a sountrack for a movie about dick and fart jokes. WNBC is such a stupid track, but because it shows how retarded broadcasters can be.

The next track up is Jamie's Cryin'. I love this Van Halen track, and I'm pretty sure I've gushed about it on my review of Van Halen Van Halen.

Crackhead Bob isn't needed on here. It actually makes me want to smack Stern around for wasting my time with the track. That leads into a live version of AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long. Which once again shows how much of a one note joke Howard Stern really is.

The next two tracks are both sound bytes. Howard You Stink and Ladies & Gentlemen can both be skipped.

The album then ends with Tortured Man which is Howard being self depricating and talking about his fucked up life, and as well as trying to talk himself up as some type of ladies man. The song should be called Deluded Man. The music is supplied by The Dust Brothers, and I hope this aborted fetus of a song keeps them up at night.

Basically this album is a "Buy at your own risk". There are some days I really enjoy sitting back and listening to it, because it's an okay mix of varied music and humorous sound bytes. The rest of the time I find the non stop sex references boring and over played. For the most part this album is perfect for boys that are young, dumb and full of cum, or anyone else that can't get any on a regular basis.

7/10 - content

7/10 - production

5/10 - personal bias